The Prison of Labels
Children are often cast in roles - by parents, siblings, teachers, even themselves. "She's the shy one." "He's the troublemaker." "She's the smart one." These labels, even positive ones, can become self-fulfilling prophecies that limit who a child can become.
Once a child is labeled, everyone starts seeing them through that lens. The “difficult” child’s reasonable behavior goes unnoticed, while any challenging moment confirms the label. The child eventually gives up trying to be different - they become the label.
How Labels Limit
“The shy one” → Never gets pushed to try social situations → Stays shy
“The clumsy one” → Avoids sports and physical activities → Stays uncoordinated
“The smart one” → Afraid to try hard things and fail → Avoids challenges
“The difficult one” → Gets treated with suspicion → Acts out more
Even “positive” labels limit children to one narrow identity.
Six Skills for Freeing Children from Roles
Skill 1: Look for Opportunities to Show the Child a New Picture of Themselves
Catch the child being different from their label
Point out evidence that contradicts the role
Be genuine - don’t make things up
Small observations can shift self-image over time
Example: The “Disorganized” Child
Parent: I noticed you packed your own backpack last night and remembered everything you needed for school. You even put your permission slip right in the front pocket.
Child: Yeah, I didn’t want to forget it.
Parent: That’s the kind of planning ahead that really helps.
Skill 2: Put Children in Situations Where They Can See Themselves Differently
Create opportunities for the child to act outside their role
Set up for success with appropriate challenges
Let them experience themselves in a new way
Experience is more powerful than words
Example: The “Selfish” Child
Parent: Grandma’s coming for dinner. Would you be in charge of making sure she has everything she needs? You could show her where to sit and make sure her water glass is full.
This gives the “selfish” child a chance to practice being considerate - and to see themselves as someone who can take care of others.
Skill 3: Let Children Overhear You Say Something Positive About Them
Children believe what they “accidentally” hear more than direct praise
Talk positively about the child to another adult (within earshot)
Be specific about behavior that contradicts the old role
This feels more authentic than direct praise
Example: The “Quitter”
Parent (on phone, knowing child can hear): Jamie had a really hard time with that science project at first. But you know what? She kept at it. Tried different approaches. Didn’t give up even when she got frustrated. I was really impressed.
Skill 4: Model the Behavior You’d Like to See
Children learn more from what we do than what we say
Show them how to handle situations differently
Let them see you working on your own challenges
Talk about your own growth and change
Example: For the “Angry” Child
Parent: Ugh, I’m really frustrated right now because I can’t find my keys. I’m going to take a deep breath… Okay. Let me think about where I last had them.
This models how to handle frustration without exploding - something the “angry” child can observe and eventually imitate.
Skill 5: Be a Storehouse for Your Child’s Special Moments
Remember and remind children of times they acted outside their role
Bring up past examples when relevant
Help them see patterns of positive behavior
This builds a counter-narrative to the limiting label
Example: The “Mean” Sibling
Parent: Remember last month when your brother was scared at the doctor’s office? You held his hand and told him it would be okay. He said later that made him feel better.
Child: Oh yeah… I did do that.
Parent: You did. You can be really kind when you want to be.
Skill 6: When the Child Acts According to the Old Label, State Your Feelings and Expectations
Don’t say “There you go again” or “That’s so typical of you”
Instead, express how you feel and what you expect
Treat this as a temporary slip, not confirmation of identity
Show that you still see them as capable of better
Confirming the Label:
“See, there you go being selfish again. You never share. You’re always so selfish.”
Separating Action from Identity:
“I’m disappointed that the toys weren’t shared. I know you can be generous - I’ve seen it. I expect sharing in this family.”
Labels in the Family System
Sometimes family roles become complementary: if one child is “the responsible one,” another becomes “the irresponsible one.” These roles can be hard to change because the whole family system depends on them.
- Avoid comparing siblings
- Let each child be a complex individual
- Don’t assign roles (“You’re the organized one, you pack the car”)
- Give all children opportunities to develop various qualities
The Role-Releasing Process
1. Examine: What labels does this child carry? What roles have they been cast in?
2. Watch: Look for any behavior that contradicts the label
3. Describe: Point out the evidence of the “new” behavior
4. Create: Set up situations where they can act differently
5. Remember: Store and recall their best moments
6. Persist: Change takes time - keep seeing them as capable of growth
Key Takeaways from Chapter 6
- Labels limit: Even “positive” labels can trap children in narrow identities
- Show new pictures: Catch them acting outside their role
- Create opportunities: Set up situations for different behavior
- Let them overhear: Positive comments “accidentally” heard are powerful
- Model change: Show how you work on your own growth
- Remember the good: Be a storehouse of their best moments
- Expect more: When they slip, express faith in their ability to do better
Labels to Watch For
Negative: Shy, lazy, clumsy, selfish, difficult, stubborn, irresponsible, mean, slow, wild
“Positive” but Limiting: The smart one, the pretty one, the athletic one, the responsible one, the easy one, the funny one
Better approach: See children as complex people capable of many qualities