Putting It All Together

Real Stories, Real Solutions | Questions & Answers

Making It Work in Real Life

Learning these skills is one thing; applying them in the heat of the moment is another. This chapter addresses common questions and challenges parents face when putting these techniques into practice, with real stories from parents who have used these approaches.

Frequently Asked Questions

Q: What if I’ve been doing it “wrong” for years? Is it too late?

It’s never too late. Children are remarkably resilient and forgiving. You can even acknowledge the change directly:

“I’ve been learning some new ways to talk with you. I might try some different things. If I sound weird, that’s why - I’m learning too!”

Children often appreciate when parents are trying to improve. Even small changes can make a big difference over time.

Q: What if my child doesn’t respond to these techniques?

These skills aren’t magic wands - they don’t guarantee immediate compliance. What they do is:

  • Preserve your relationship
  • Model respectful communication
  • Build long-term cooperation
  • Teach children how to express themselves

If one approach doesn’t work, try another. And remember: even when behavior doesn’t change immediately, you’re planting seeds.

Q: What about when I’m really angry?

These techniques work best when you’re calm. When you’re furious:

  • It’s okay to say: “I’m too angry to talk about this right now.”
  • Take a time-out for yourself
  • Deal with the situation later when you can think clearly
  • Model how to handle strong emotions

You can express anger without attacking: “I am FURIOUS that my new book was used as a coloring book!” This expresses the feeling without name-calling.

Q: Does this work with teenagers?

Yes, and it may be even more important with teens, who are especially sensitive to being talked down to. Teens respond to:

  • Having their feelings acknowledged (not dismissed as “drama”)
  • Being given choices and autonomy
  • Being asked for their opinion
  • Respect for their growing independence

The same principles apply, adjusted for their developmental stage.

Q: What if my partner/co-parent doesn’t use these methods?

You can only control your own behavior. Using these skills consistently will:

  • Strengthen your relationship with your child
  • Model effective communication
  • Possibly influence your partner over time through example

Children can adapt to different communication styles. What matters is that they have at least one relationship characterized by respect and understanding.

Skills Summary: Quick Reference

Chapter 1: Accepting Feelings

  • Listen with full attention
  • Acknowledge with a word or sound: “Oh,” “Mmm,” “I see”
  • Give the feeling a name: “That sounds frustrating”
  • Give wishes in fantasy: “I wish I could
”

    • Chapter 2: Engaging Cooperation

  • Describe what you see: “There’s a wet towel on the bed”
  • Give information: “Wet towels make bedspreads moldy”
  • Say it with one word: “Towel.”
  • Describe what you feel: “I feel frustrated when
”
  • Write a note

    • Chapter 3: Alternatives to Punishment

  • Point out a way to be helpful
  • Express strong disapproval without attacking character
  • State your expectations
  • Show how to make amends
  • Give a choice
  • Take action (without lengthy explanations)
  • Problem-solve together

    • Chapter 4: Encouraging Autonomy

  • Let children make choices
  • Show respect for a child’s struggle
  • Don’t ask too many questions
  • Don’t rush to answer questions
  • Encourage use of sources outside the home
  • Don’t take away hope

    • Chapter 5: Praise

  • Describe what you see: “I see a clean room with everything in its place”
  • Describe what you feel: “It’s a pleasure to walk in here!”
  • Sum up the behavior in a word: “That’s what I call organization!”

    • Chapter 6: Freeing from Roles

  • Look for opportunities to show a new picture
  • Put children in situations to see themselves differently
  • Let children overhear positive comments about them
  • Model the behavior you’d like to see
  • Be a storehouse for special moments
  • When they slip, state your expectations without confirming the label

    • The Journey Continues

    These skills are not about perfection. You will slip up. You will sometimes yell, criticize, or say things you regret. That’s part of being human. What matters is:

    • Trying to do better more often
    • Repairing when you mess up
    • Keeping the relationship as the priority
    • Being patient with yourself and your children

    Remember

    The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice. The respect we show them teaches them to respect themselves. The problem-solving we model teaches them to handle life’s challenges. Every positive interaction makes a deposit in the relationship bank.

    When You Make a Mistake

    We all have moments we’re not proud of. When that happens:

    • Acknowledge it: “I shouldn’t have said that. I was wrong.”
    • Apologize: “I’m sorry I yelled. You didn’t deserve that.”
    • Try again: “Let me try that differently. What I meant to say was
”
    • Forgive yourself: Tomorrow is a new day

    “The attitude behind your words is as important as the words themselves. If our attitude is not one of compassion, then whatever we say will be experienced by the child as false or manipulative.”
    - Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish

    Final Thoughts

    • These skills are a practice: Not a destination, but a direction
    • Small changes matter: Even one positive interaction a day makes a difference
    • Be patient: With yourself and your children
    • Relationship first: Connection before correction
    • Model what you teach: Children learn more from what we do than what we say
    • Repair is powerful: It’s never too late to say “I’m sorry, let me try again”

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