Not All Praise Is Created Equal
We're often told to praise children more. But the type of praise matters enormously. Evaluative praise - "Good job!" "You're so smart!" "What a good boy!" - can actually be counterproductive. It creates dependence on external validation and can feel hollow or even manipulative to children.
Descriptive praise, on the other hand, helps children develop an accurate, positive picture of themselves. Instead of telling children what to think about themselves, we describe what we see and let them draw their own conclusions.
The Problem with Evaluative Praise
“You’re so smart!” - Children praised for being smart often become afraid to take risks. They think: “If I fail, I won’t be smart anymore.”
“Good job!” - Overused, this becomes meaningless background noise. Children learn to dismiss it.
“You’re the best!” - Creates pressure to maintain an impossible standard and compete with others.
“I’m so proud of you!” - While okay occasionally, it can make children work for your approval rather than their own satisfaction.
Three Types of Helpful Praise
Type 1: Describe What You See
Simply describe what you observe
Be specific about details
Leave out evaluative words like “good,” “great,” “beautiful”
Let the child evaluate their own work
Instead of:
“What a beautiful picture! You’re such a great artist!”
Try:
“I see you used lots of bright colors here. There are purple mountains and a yellow sun, and you put a house with a red door right in the middle.”
The Child’s Response to Description
Parent: I see you organized your entire bookshelf. The books are arranged by size, and you found a place for all your trophies.
Child: Yeah! It looks so much better now. I worked really hard on it.
Notice: The child supplies their own evaluation - “I worked really hard on it” - which is more meaningful than a parent saying “Good job!”
Type 2: Describe What You Feel
Share your genuine emotional response
Be authentic - children can tell when you’re faking
This shows children their actions have positive impact
Use “I” language
Examples of Describing Feelings
Parent: It’s such a pleasure to walk into a clean kitchen! I feel relaxed when things are tidy.
Parent: I really enjoyed listening to you practice piano. That song always makes me feel happy.
Parent: I felt so touched when you shared your snack with your sister without being asked.
Type 3: Sum Up the Behavior in a Word
After describing, name the quality you observed
This gives children vocabulary for their strengths
Use words like: perseverance, courage, creativity, thoughtfulness
The description + word creates a lasting self-image
Examples of Summing Up
Parent: You’ve been working on that math problem for twenty minutes. You tried different approaches and didn’t give up. That’s perseverance.
Parent: You noticed your friend was sitting alone and went over to include her. That’s thoughtfulness.
Parent: You saved half your allowance every week for two months to buy that game. That took real self-discipline.
The Complete Formula
1. Describe what you see: “You organized all your toys by type - cars here, blocks here, stuffed animals on the shelf…”
2. Describe what you feel: “It feels so good to walk in and see everything in its place.”
3. Sum it up: “That’s what I call organization!”
Result: The child thinks: “I organized well. My room makes people feel good. I can be organized.”
Praise and Self-Esteem
True self-esteem comes from accurate self-knowledge, not inflated compliments. When we describe specifically what a child has done, we help them build a realistic, positive picture of their abilities.
- Evaluative praise: “You’re so smart!” → Child thinks: “Am I really? What if I fail next time?”
- Descriptive praise: “You figured out that puzzle by trying different pieces until you found the right fit.” → Child thinks: “I’m someone who keeps trying until I solve problems.”
When Praise Backfires
Be careful with praise when:
- It doesn’t match reality: A child who knows their work isn’t great will distrust your judgment
- It creates pressure: “You’re the best soccer player!” can make children anxious about maintaining status
- It compares: “You’re better than your brother at this” sets up sibling rivalry
- It focuses on the person, not the process: “You’re a natural!” undermines the value of effort
The Descriptive Praise Checklist
Before praising, ask yourself:
- Am I describing what I actually see?
- Am I being specific?
- Am I avoiding evaluative words?
- Will this help my child know themselves better?
Key Takeaways from Chapter 5
- Describe, don’t evaluate: “I see…” instead of “Good job!”
- Be specific: Details make praise meaningful and believable
- Share your feelings: “I feel…” shows the impact of their actions
- Name the quality: “That’s perseverance” gives vocabulary for strengths
- Let children evaluate themselves: They’ll trust their own conclusions more
- Praise effort and process: Not just outcomes or innate traits
Evaluative (Less Helpful):
“Good job cleaning your room!”
Descriptive (More Helpful):
“I see you put your books on the shelf, your clothes in the drawer, and made your bed. This room looks completely different! That took effort.”