The Cooperation Challenge
Every parent faces the daily struggle of getting children to do things: brush teeth, do homework, clean up, get ready for bed. The typical approach - nagging, reminding, threatening, lecturing - often backfires. Children tune out, resist, or comply resentfully.
This chapter offers five skills that invite cooperation while preserving the child’s dignity and the parent-child relationship. These techniques work because they respect children as capable people who can make good choices when approached respectfully.
Why Traditional Approaches Backfire
Blaming and Accusing: “You never remember anything!” creates defensiveness and damages self-image.
Name-calling: “You’re so lazy!” invites children to live up to the label.
Threats: “If you don’t… then I’ll…” creates fear and resentment.
Commands: “Do it now!” triggers resistance and power struggles.
Lectures: “How many times have I told you…” causes children to tune out.
Five Skills for Engaging Cooperation
Skill 1: Describe What You See or Describe the Problem
Simply describe the situation without blame
State facts, not judgments
This allows the child to figure out what to do
Children are more likely to act when not feeling attacked
Instead of:
“How many times do I have to tell you to hang up your coat? You always just throw it on the floor!”
Try:
“I see a coat on the floor.”
More Examples of Describing
Describe: “The milk is still out.” (Not: “You left the milk out again!”)
Describe: “There’s water all over the bathroom floor.” (Not: “What a mess!”)
Describe: “I see toys that haven’t been put away.” (Not: “Your room is a disaster!”)
Skill 2: Give Information
Provide the reason or information the child needs
Leave out the accusation
Children can often figure out what to do with good information
This treats them as intelligent, capable people
Instead of:
“Who took a bite out of the butter? That’s disgusting!”
Try:
“Butter tastes better on bread than all by itself.”
More Examples of Giving Information
Information: “Milk turns sour when it’s not refrigerated.”
Information: “The rule is: homework before screen time.”
Information: “It’s easier to get dressed when the clothes are right-side-out.”
Skill 3: Say It with a Word
One word is easier to take than a lecture
The shorter, the better
Say the word firmly but not harshly
Children appreciate brevity and can fill in the rest themselves
Instead of:
“I’ve asked you three times to put on your pajamas. Do I have to tell you again? Every night it’s the same thing…”
More One-Word Examples
One Word: “The dog.” (Needs to be fed)
One Word: “Teeth.” (Need to be brushed)
One Word: “Dishes.” (Need to go in sink)
One Word: “Homework.” (Needs to be done)
Skill 4: Describe What You Feel
Express your genuine feelings using “I” statements
Be authentic without attacking the child’s character
Children care about how their parents feel
This models emotional expression and honesty
Instead of:
“You’re so rude! You never let me finish a sentence!”
Try:
“It bothers me to be interrupted. I’d like to finish what I was saying.”
More “I Feel” Examples
I Feel: “I don’t like being pulled. It hurts.”
I Feel: “I get upset when I see food wasted.”
I Feel: “I worry when you’re late and don’t call.”
Skill 5: Write a Note
Sometimes a written message gets through when words don’t
Notes can be playful, humorous, or matter-of-fact
They avoid the negative tone that can creep into spoken reminders
Children often enjoy reading notes and respond positively
Note Examples
On bathroom mirror: “Please put me back after using me. Thanks! - The Toothpaste”
On the TV: “Before you turn me on, ask yourself: Is my homework done?”
In lunchbox: “Have a great day! Remember - you CAN handle that math test!”
Putting the Skills Together
These skills can be used individually or combined. The key is to:
- Leave out blame and criticism
- Be brief and specific
- Trust children to figure things out
- Stay calm (your tone matters as much as your words)
A Note on Resistance
Even with these skills, children won’t always cooperate immediately. That’s normal. The goal isn’t perfect compliance - it’s to communicate in a way that preserves dignity and relationship. Over time, children become more responsive when they’re not constantly on the defensive.
Key Takeaways from Chapter 2
- Describe: State what you see without blame - “There’s a wet towel on the bed”
- Give Information: Share the relevant fact - “Wet towels make bedspreads moldy”
- One Word: Keep it short - “Towel.”
- Express Feelings: Use “I” statements - “I feel frustrated when…”
- Write Notes: Sometimes written works better than spoken
- Tone Matters: How you say it is as important as what you say
Quick Reference Card
Before speaking, ask yourself:
Am I describing or blaming? Am I informing or lecturing? Am I being brief or going on and on? Am I expressing how I feel or attacking their character?