Helping Children Deal with Their Feelings

The Heart of Connection | 4 Core Skills

Why Feelings Matter

This chapter presents a revolutionary insight: children need to have their feelings accepted before they can move forward. When we deny, dismiss, or try to talk children out of their feelings, we unintentionally teach them to distrust their own perceptions and emotions.

When a child says “I hate the baby!” and we respond with “No you don’t, you love your sister,” we send a confusing message. The child thinks: “If Mom says I love the baby, but I feel like I hate her, then I can’t trust my own feelings.” Accepting feelings doesn’t mean accepting all behavior - it means acknowledging the inner experience.

The Problem with Denying Feelings
Common responses that dismiss feelings include: “You’re just tired,” “There’s no reason to be upset,” “You don’t really mean that,” and “It’s not that bad.” These responses, though well-intentioned, make children feel unheard and misunderstood.

Four Skills for Accepting Feelings

Instead of denying or dismissing feelings, these four skills help children feel heard, understood, and more able to cope with their emotions.

Skill 1: Listen with Full Attention

  • Put down what you’re doing and make eye contact
  • Give your full presence - no multitasking
  • Use attentive body language (lean in, nod)
  • Let the child complete their thoughts without interrupting

    • Example: Listening with Full Attention

    Child: Nobody wanted to play with me at recess today.
    Parent: (Puts down phone, sits at child’s level, makes eye contact)
    Child: I asked Jenny and she said no. Then I asked Marcus and he was already playing soccer.
    Parent: (Continues listening, nodding)
    Child: I just sat on the bench the whole time. It was so boring.

    Skill 2: Acknowledge with a Word or Sound

  • Use simple sounds: “Oh,” “Mmm,” “I see,” “Uh-huh”
  • These sounds communicate “I’m here, I’m listening”
  • Avoid the urge to immediately offer solutions
  • Let your tone convey genuine interest and empathy

    • Instead of This:

    “Oh, don’t worry about it. You’ll find someone to play with tomorrow.”

    Try This:

    “Oh
 I see
 Mmm
 That sounds like it was a hard recess.”

    Skill 3: Give the Feeling a Name

  • Identify the emotion the child seems to be experiencing
  • Put that feeling into words: “That sounds frustrating”
  • You don’t have to be exactly right - the child will correct you
  • This helps children understand and label their own emotions

    • Example: Naming the Feeling

    Child: My teacher is so unfair! She gave me a bad grade on my project!
    Parent: You sound really disappointed about that grade.
    Child: I’m not disappointed, I’m MAD! I worked so hard on it!
    Parent: So you’re angry because you put a lot of effort into that project.
    Child: Yeah! And she didn’t even notice the extra research I did.

    Skill 4: Give the Child Their Wishes in Fantasy

  • When you can’t give them what they want in reality, give it in fantasy
  • Use phrases like “I wish
” or “Wouldn’t it be great if
”
  • This acknowledges the desire without giving in to demands
  • Children often find this satisfying and can then accept reality better

    • Example: Wishes in Fantasy

    Child: I want more ice cream! Just one more scoop!
    Parent: I can hear how much you love that ice cream! I wish I could give you a whole gallon!
    Child: (Giggling) A whole gallon?!
    Parent: I wish we had an ice cream machine right in our kitchen that you could use whenever you wanted!
    Child: Yeah! With every flavor!

    Common Mistake: The “But”

    Avoid saying “I understand you’re upset, BUT
” The word “but” erases everything that came before it. Instead, try: “I understand you’re upset. AND it’s time to go.”

    Why These Skills Work

    When children feel understood, something shifts. They no longer need to convince us of their distress. They can release their feelings and move on. A child whose feelings are accepted learns:

    • My feelings are valid and important
    • I can trust my own perceptions
    • Someone cares about my inner experience
    • I can handle difficult emotions
    • Feelings are temporary - they pass

    Accepting Feelings Doesn’t Mean


    It’s important to understand what accepting feelings is NOT:

    • Not accepting all behavior: “You’re angry at your brother. AND hitting is not okay.”
    • Not agreeing with their perspective: You can validate their feeling without agreeing with their interpretation
    • Not solving the problem: Sometimes just being heard is enough
    • Not permissiveness: You can still hold limits while acknowledging feelings

    Key Takeaways from Chapter 1

    • Listen First: Give your full attention before responding
    • Simple Acknowledgment: “Oh,” “Mmm,” “I see” shows you’re present
    • Name the Feeling: Helps children understand their own emotions
    • Fantasy Fulfillment: “I wish I could
” when you can’t give what they want
    • Avoid “But”: Use “and” instead to avoid negating their feelings
    • Feelings Are Separate from Behavior: Accept the feeling, set limits on actions

    Quick Reference: What to Say

    Instead of: “You’re overreacting” / “It’s not that bad” / “Don’t cry”

    Try: “I see how upset you are” / “That sounds really hard” / “You seem sad about that”

    ← Back to Overview Next: Chapter 2 →