âI have no right to say or do anything that diminishes a man in his own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him, but what he thinks of himself. Hurting a man in his dignity is a crime.â â Antoine de Saint-ExupĂ©ry
Antoine de Saint-ExupĂ©ry, the author of The Little Prince, was also a pioneering aviator who spent years managing relationships with mechanics and ground crew. His observation about the crime of injuring a personâs dignity is one Carnegie considers profound enough to open this chapter.
Face-savingâthe practice of allowing people to exit difficult situations with their dignity intactâis deeply important in many cultures, particularly in Asia. Carnegie argues that it should be universally important. We trample on peopleâs feelings every day without thinkingâwe correct them in public, we withdraw responsibilities without explanation, we dismiss ideas without acknowledgment. The momentary satisfaction of being blunt is far outweighed by the lasting damage to peopleâs self-respect and to our relationships with them.
Carnegie tells the story of an engineer in a large company who was no longer capable of handling the technical demands of his position. The company needed to move him. The options were: fire him, demote him directly and publicly, or find another way.
The company chose to create a new titleââConsulting Engineerââwhich allowed the man to transition out of his senior role without being told he had failed. His responsibilities changed, his pay adjusted slightly, but his dignity was preserved. He finished his career feeling that his contributions had been honored.
Some would say this was inefficient or even dishonest. Carnegie says it was humane. The practical outcome was the sameâthe company got its engineering functions properly coveredâbut one approach destroyed a man and one approach honored him.
Face-saving is not about hiding the truth. It is about:
None of these require deception. They require the willingness to think about the other personâs experience rather than only your own administrative convenience.
Carnegie tells the story of a high-level executive at General Electric who needed to be removed from a major project. His work on the project had been inadequate. The simple, efficient solution was to tell him directly and reassign him. The company instead held a ceremony acknowledging his contributions to the project to date, introduced a new phase with new requirements, and presented his reassignment as the opportunity to apply his skills where they were most needed.
The executive knew what was happening. But the manner in which it happened allowed him to maintain his standing with colleagues and with himself. He went on to contribute productively in his new role. If he had been openly demoted in front of his team, he might have become bitter, disengaged, or vindictive.
When we fail to save faceâwhen we correct publicly, demote bluntly, or dismiss without acknowledgment:
One of Carnegieâs most practical applications of this principle is in parenting. Teenagers are extraordinarily sensitive to being humiliatedâespecially in front of peers. A parent who corrects a teenager publicly, or uses a mistake as evidence of a larger character flaw, can damage the relationship for years.
Face-saving with teenagers means: address problems privately; look for the most generous interpretation of their behavior; find a way for them to change course without having to openly admit they were wrong; give them a narrative in which they are growing, not failing.
Carnegie tells the story of a student in one of his public speaking courses who made a claim in front of the group that was factually wrong. The teacher could have corrected him in front of the entire class. Instead, she said: âThatâs an interesting pointâI think there might be some nuance there. Letâs come back to that after class.â She corrected him privately, specifically, and kindly. He became one of the most enthusiastic students in the course.
If she had corrected him publicly, he would have been humiliated in front of his peers. He would have defended himself, the class would have become an adversarial space, and she would have lost a studentâs engagement and trust.
Think of the last three times you corrected or addressed someoneâs failure or mistake:
Think of a time when someone allowed you to save faceâwhen they helped you exit a difficult situation with your dignity intact. How did you feel toward that person afterward? What does it tell you about the kind of leader you want to be?