Talk About Your Own Mistakes First

“Admitting one’s own mistakes—even when one hasn’t corrected them—can help convince the other person to change their behavior.” — Dale Carnegie

Criticism from the Humble

There is an enormous psychological difference between being criticized by someone who presents themselves as perfect and being criticized by someone who acknowledges their own fallibility. The first kind of criticism feels like judgment from a superior—and triggers resentment. The second kind feels like honest counsel from someone who has made the same mistakes and understands.

Carnegie’s twenty-fourth principle is simple: before criticizing others, talk about your own mistakes first. This disarms the criticism, makes it feel collaborative rather than judgmental, and—crucially—it models the honesty and self-awareness you are asking the other person to demonstrate.

Carnegie and His Niece

The most personal story Carnegie tells in the book is about his niece, Josephine Carnegie, who came to work as his secretary. She was young and made many mistakes. Carnegie, who at first felt the urge to point out every error, instead tried a different approach.

When he needed to correct Josephine, he would begin by saying something like: “Josephine, you’ve made a mistake—but goodness knows it’s no worse than many I’ve made. I certainly wasn’t born knowing how to do this either. It took me a lot of experience to learn. But I wonder if it might be more efficient if we tried it this way…”

The effect was immediate: Josephine received the correction without defensiveness. She didn’t feel judged. She felt like an apprentice being helped by a mentor who had been through the same learning curve. The relationship remained warm. The corrections stuck.

Why It Works

When you acknowledge your own mistakes before criticizing:

• You establish that you are not claiming superiority or perfection
• You create an atmosphere of shared humanity rather than judgment
• The person being corrected feels less alone and less attacked
• Your criticism gains credibility because you are clearly willing to be honest about yourself
• The relationship is preserved—sometimes even deepened

The person who can say “I made this same mistake” or “I’ve struggled with this too” is far easier to hear than the person who implies, through their tone or manner, that they have never erred.

The Sting Is Taken Out

Carnegie notes that self-admittance “takes the sting out of criticism.” When a seasoned manager says to a new employee, “I made this exact mistake for the first six months of my career—here’s what helped me,” the correction becomes a gift rather than an indictment. The new employee feels guided rather than condemned.

This is particularly important in hierarchical relationships—parents and children, managers and employees, teachers and students. The person with more authority has more ability to wound and more responsibility to handle that power carefully. Acknowledging your own past failures is the most powerful way to use authority without abusing it.

The Generational Transfer of Wisdom

Carnegie tells the story of a man who needed to correct his adult son about a habit the son had acquired—a habit the father had once shared. Rather than lecturing about the flaw, the father told a story about his own past—the consequences it had had for him, the moment he had recognized the problem, and how he had eventually overcome it.

The son listened in a way he never would have to a lecture. He heard in his father’s story not condemnation but the gift of hard-won experience freely shared. The correction worked not because it was delivered well but because it was delivered from a place of genuine humility.

When You Haven’t Fully Corrected It Yourself

Carnegie makes a quietly radical point: the self-admission works even when you have not yet fully corrected the flaw yourself. You don’t have to be the finished article to speak honestly about your struggles. “I’m still working on this myself, but here’s what I’ve learned so far…” is both honest and effective.

This matters because many people withhold advice and feedback because they feel they have no moral standing—they have the same flaw they’re trying to address in someone else. Carnegie says: that is no excuse for silence. Your ongoing struggle is not disqualifying; it is humanizing. Share it.

The Practice: The Humble Opening

Before any correction or feedback session:

1. Think of a time when you made a similar mistake or had a similar blind spot
2. Be genuinely honest about it—not strategically humble
3. Share it briefly at the beginning: “Before I say anything, I want to acknowledge that I’ve made this mistake myself—here’s the context…”
4. Then offer the correction, which now arrives in a completely different atmosphere

Practice: The Mistake First Exercise

For the next month, whenever you need to correct or advise someone:

1. Before the conversation, write down one of your own mistakes that relates to what you’re about to address
2. Share it at the beginning—genuinely, without making it the center of the conversation
3. Notice whether the person you’re correcting is more or less receptive than usual
4. Track whether the corrections stick better than previous approaches

Reflection

Is there someone you need to correct or advise but have been putting off because you feel you have no moral standing—because you’ve made similar mistakes yourself? What would it look like to use that imperfection as the beginning of the conversation rather than as a disqualification?

Key Takeaways

• Acknowledging your own mistakes before criticizing transforms judgment into collaboration
• Carnegie’s experience with his niece Josephine shows that corrections received without defensiveness stick better and preserve relationships
• Self-admission works even when you haven’t fully corrected the flaw yourself—your ongoing struggle is humanizing, not disqualifying
• The parent or manager who says “I made this same mistake” is heard in a way that the person who implies perfection is not
• Humility in correction models the self-awareness you are trying to develop in the other person
• Taking the sting out of criticism by admitting your own imperfections is not weakness—it is sophisticated leadership