Make the Other Person Feel Important—and Do It Sincerely

“Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.” — The Golden Rule

The Universal Desire

Carnegie opens this chapter with a statement that sounds simple but has staggering implications: almost every sane adult person you will ever meet considers themselves important. This is not a flaw or a vanity—it is one of the most fundamental human needs. The desire to feel significant, valued, and respected is, according to Carnegie and many psychologists, one of the driving forces behind virtually all human behavior.

When this need is met—when someone genuinely makes us feel important—we feel a warmth toward them that is almost impossible to rationally explain. When it is frustrated—when we are made to feel small, dismissed, or unimportant—we feel resentment that can last for years.

This principle is the capstone of Part 2. All the previous principles—genuine interest, smiling, remembering names, listening, talking in terms of their interests—are, at their core, ways of making the other person feel important. This chapter makes that theme explicit.

The Postal Clerk and the Post

Carnegie tells the story of one of his students, a man who had to visit a post office frequently for business. He noticed that the postal clerk behind the window seemed perpetually bored and unhappy with his work. Rather than treating the interaction as a transaction, the student decided to try to make the clerk feel important.

He noticed something about the clerk’s hair—it was unusually fine and healthy-looking—and mentioned it sincerely: “My, I wish I had hair like yours.” The clerk straightened. He smiled. He talked for a moment about his hair. He recommended a barber. The interaction was transformed. Every subsequent visit, the clerk greeted him warmly and gave him unusually attentive service.

Nothing material had changed. The clerk’s job hadn’t changed. But someone had noticed him—had seen him as a person rather than a function. And that recognition, however small, had lifted him.

The Arithmetic of Importance

Making someone feel important costs you nothing. It takes seconds. It requires only that you:

• Pay attention to the person rather than the transaction
• Notice something genuine about them—something real, not a fabrication
• Express that observation sincerely

The return on this investment—in goodwill, in the quality of the relationship, in the service and cooperation you receive—is out of all proportion to the cost.

The Meeting with a French Philosopher

Carnegie describes encountering a brilliant French philosopher at a dinner party. Rather than attempting to impress the philosopher with his own knowledge of French philosophy (Carnegie’s was limited), he simply asked the philosopher to share his ideas. He listened with genuine fascination. He asked questions. He expressed admiration for specific things the philosopher said.

At the end of the evening, the philosopher remarked to his host that Carnegie was “a most brilliant conversationalist.” Carnegie had said almost nothing. He had made the philosopher feel that his ideas were important—because, to a man who had devoted his life to developing them, they were.

Sincerity Is Non-Negotiable

Carnegie returns again and again to the word “sincerely.” The principle is not “make people feel important” but “make people feel important—and do it sincerely.” The distinction is everything.

Manufactured flattery is instantly detectable. Most people have sensitive antennae for the difference between genuine recognition and strategic manipulation. When you make someone feel important as a technique to get something from them, they usually sense it—and the effect is the opposite of what you intended. You seem manipulative rather than warm; calculated rather than genuine.

The Test of Sincerity

Before trying to make someone feel important, ask yourself:

• Is there something I genuinely respect or admire about this person?
• Can I find it, even if it takes a moment to look?
• Am I expressing this because I mean it, or because I want something?

If the answer to the first two questions is yes and the third is no, proceed. If you are primarily trying to get something, your manner will betray you.

The good news: there is almost always something genuinely admirable in every person, if you look for it. The challenge is to stop being preoccupied with your own needs long enough to see it.

The Deeper Practice: Seeing Importance in Everyone

Carnegie argues that the fullest expression of this principle is a genuine shift in how you see people—not a technique but an orientation. It means recognizing that the person filling your coffee cup, the security guard at the door, the junior employee who seems to be just starting out—all of these people carry their own rich inner lives, their own unrealized significance, their own deep craving to matter.

When you genuinely hold that belief about people, making them feel important becomes effortless. It stops being a skill and starts being an expression of how you see the world.

The Emerson Insight

Ralph Waldo Emerson said: “Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him.” This is the philosophical foundation of Carnegie’s principle. If you genuinely believe that every person knows something you don’t, has experienced something you haven’t, or possesses a quality you admire—then finding genuine things to make them feel important about becomes natural.

Daily Practice: Noticing People

For one week:

1. In every service interaction (shop, restaurant, office), notice one real thing about the person serving you and mention it sincerely
2. In every meeting or conversation, look for one thing the other person does or knows that you genuinely admire
3. Express it—not as a performance but as a genuine observation
4. Observe the effect on the person and on the interaction

Reflection

Think of someone in your life who regularly makes you feel important and valued. How do they do it? What do they do specifically that creates that feeling? Now ask: how often do you do the same for the people in your life?

Key Takeaways

• The desire to feel important is one of the most fundamental human needs; making people feel this way is the master key to being liked
• The postal clerk story illustrates how a single moment of genuine recognition can transform a relationship
• Making someone feel important costs nothing—it requires only attention, genuine observation, and sincere expression
• The qualifier “sincerely” is not optional—performed flattery is detectable and counterproductive
• Emerson’s insight (“every man is my superior in some way”) is the philosophical foundation that makes this principle natural rather than forced
• This principle is the culmination of all six ways to make people like you—it captures what they all, ultimately, accomplish