Felt With, Not Dealt With

“Your child doesn’t need you to fix their pain. They need you to sit with them in it, to witness it, to help them feel less alone.” — Philippa Perry

The Urge to Fix

When your child is in pain, every parental instinct screams: fix this. Make it stop. Solve the problem. Stop the tears. Return them to happiness as quickly as possible.

This urge comes from love. You care deeply, and their suffering hurts you. So you jump into problem-solving mode: offering solutions, silver linings, distractions, or quick fixes.

But Perry introduces a counterintuitive truth: most of the time, children don’t need their problems solved. They need their feelings felt with.

The phrase “felt with, not dealt with” captures the distinction between empathetic presence and premature problem-solving. This chapter explores why simply being with someone’s pain is often more healing than trying to make it go away.

Felt With vs. Dealt With

Dealt with (problem-solving focus):

• Immediately jumping to solutions
• Offering advice before understanding the feeling
• Trying to make the pain go away as fast as possible
• Minimizing the emotion to reduce its intensity
• Distracting from the feeling

Felt with (empathetic presence):

• Sitting with the feeling before solving anything
• Listening to understand their emotional experience
• Validating that the pain is real and matters
• Allowing them to fully feel and express the emotion
• Providing compassionate companionship through difficulty

The key difference: “Dealt with” tries to eliminate the feeling. “Felt with” honors the feeling and provides connection through it.

Why “Felt With” Matters More

When you rush to fix, you inadvertently communicate:

• “This feeling is intolerable and must be eliminated”
• “I can’t handle your pain, so let’s make it go away”
• “The solution matters more than your emotional experience”
• “You shouldn’t feel this way—here’s how to stop”

When you sit with their pain first, you communicate:

• “Your feelings matter and deserve attention”
• “I can handle being with you in this pain”
• “You don’t have to carry this alone”
• “Your emotional experience is valid, not just the problem that caused it”
• “I’m here with you, not trying to make you someone you’re not right now”

Paradoxically, being felt with often helps pain dissolve faster than being dealt with. When children feel truly understood, they can move through emotions. When they feel rushed, they get stuck.

The Research on Empathy

Neuroscience shows that when someone experiences empathy—when another person truly “gets” their emotional state—it activates the brain’s soothing systems. Being understood literally calms the nervous system.

Problem-solving without empathy first can activate stress responses because it signals: “You’re not being heard. Explain harder. Make them understand.”

The sequence matters:

1. Empathetic presence first (felt with)
2. Full expression of feeling
3. Emotional regulation through being understood
4. Then, if needed and wanted, problem-solving (dealt with)

Skipping to step 4 prevents the healing that happens in steps 1-3.

What “Felt With” Looks Like

Being with someone’s pain requires presence, not action. It’s harder than fixing because you can’t do anything except be there.

The Practice of Empathetic Presence

1. Stop and be fully present: Put down your phone. Turn off the stove. Sit down. Give your complete attention.

2. Listen without an agenda: Don’t listen to formulate a response. Listen to understand their emotional reality.

3. Use minimal encouragers: “Mm-hmm.” “Tell me more.” “I’m listening.” These keep them talking without redirecting.

4. Reflect their feelings: “That sounds really painful.” “You’re so hurt by what happened.” “This is weighing on you.”

5. Validate: “Of course you feel that way.” “That makes complete sense.” “Anyone would be upset.”

6. Resist the urge to fix: Notice when you want to jump in with advice. Breathe. Stay present.

7. Tolerate the discomfort: Sitting with pain—yours and theirs—is uncomfortable. That’s okay. Stay anyway.

8. Trust the process: Believe that being heard is healing, even if no problem gets solved.

9. Only offer solutions if they ask or after they’ve been fully heard: “What do you think would help?” “Do you want to brainstorm ideas, or did you just need to talk?”

Examples of “Felt With” vs. “Dealt With”

Example 1: Friendship Rejection

Child: “My best friend said they don’t want to be my friend anymore. They have a new best friend now.”

Dealt with (problem-solving): “Well, you can make new friends! You have lots of other friends. And actually, it’s good to have more than one friend anyway. Tomorrow, try talking to that kid in your class who seems nice. You’ll be fine!”

What the child hears: “Your pain isn’t that important. Move on quickly. I can’t handle this feeling.”

Felt with (empathetic presence): “Oh sweetie, that sounds so painful.” (Sits down, gives full attention) “Tell me what happened.” (Listens without interrupting) “You feel really hurt and rejected. Your best friend choosing someone else must feel awful.” “I’m so sorry. That’s a hard thing to go through.” (Sits with them, maybe hugs if they want it) (Only later, if appropriate:) “What do you think you need right now? Want to talk more about it, or do something together to take your mind off it for a bit?”

What the child hears: “Your pain matters. I can be with you in this. You’re not alone.”

Example 2: Fear of the Dark

Child: “I’m scared to sleep in my room. What if there’s something in the dark?”

Dealt with: “There’s nothing there. The dark is safe. Here’s a nightlight. Now go to sleep. You’re fine.”

What the child hears: “Your fear is irrational. Get over it.”

Felt with: “You’re feeling really scared right now.” “The dark feels scary to you. Tell me about what you’re worried about.” (Listens to their fear without dismissing it) “That sounds frightening. It’s hard to feel scared when you’re trying to sleep.” “I’m here with you. You’re safe.” (Sits with them for a bit) “What would help you feel safer? Would you like me to stay for a few minutes? A nightlight? Leave the door open?”

What the child hears: “Your fear is real. I take it seriously. We’ll figure this out together.”

When “Dealt With” Is Appropriate

Perry doesn’t say you should never solve problems. Sometimes problems need solving. The question is timing and what takes priority.

Problem-solving is appropriate:

• After the feeling has been validated and felt with
• When your child explicitly asks for help or advice
• In emergencies where immediate action is required
• When you’ve done empathetic presence first

Problem-solving is premature:

• As an immediate response to emotional expression
• When your child hasn’t been heard yet
• When you’re using it to avoid sitting with discomfort
• When they just need to vent, not solve

Ask yourself: “Am I trying to fix this because my child needs a solution, or because I can’t tolerate their pain?”

The Developmental Shift

Younger children (0-7): Often need more “dealing with” because they can’t problem-solve independently. But they still need empathetic presence first. “You’re so frustrated the tower fell. That’s hard! Let me help you build it again.”

Older children (8-12): Increasingly capable of solving problems but still need empathetic presence. “That sounds tough. Want to talk through it, or just vent?”

Teenagers (13+): Highly capable of problem-solving. They almost always need “felt with” more than “dealt with.” Unsolicited advice often backfires. “That sounds really stressful. I’m here if you want to talk more.”

The Gift of Being Witnessed

There’s profound healing in being seen in your pain. Not fixed, not redirected, not minimized—just witnessed.

When someone sits with you in your suffering, you learn:

• “I’m not alone in this”
• “My pain is bearable—someone else can hold it with me”
• “I don’t have to perform being okay”
• “My emotional reality matters”

This experience is foundational to mental health, secure attachment, and resilience.

Children who are consistently “felt with” develop:

• Emotional resilience (they can sit with hard feelings)
• Self-compassion (they don’t shame themselves for struggling)
• Healthy relationships (they seek partners who empathize, not just fix)
• Emotional intelligence (they understand feelings are information, not problems)

Children who are always “dealt with” learn:

• Feelings are problems to eliminate quickly
• Being in pain means something is wrong with you
• You should solve everything yourself
• Asking for emotional support is weak

Reflection

Think about a recent time you jumped to problem-solving when your child was in pain. What was happening for you? Were you uncomfortable with their emotion? Afraid of their suffering? What would it have looked like to sit with their feeling first?

“Felt With” in Adult Relationships

This principle applies to all relationships, not just parent-child.

When your partner is upset, your spouse is stressed, or your friend is grieving, the urge to fix is strong. But most people, most of the time, need empathy before solutions.

Instead of: “Here’s what you should do…”

Try: “That sounds really hard. Tell me more.”

Instead of: “At least it’s not worse…”

Try: “I’m so sorry you’re going through this.”

Instead of: “Don’t worry, it’ll be fine.”

Try: “I can see you’re worried. I’m here with you in this.”

Being “felt with” is a universal human need. When you practice it with your children, you build the skill for all your relationships.

When You Need to Be Felt With

You can’t give what you don’t have. If you’re never “felt with” yourself—if no one sits with your pain without trying to fix it—you’ll struggle to provide this for your child.

Seek relationships where you’re emotionally witnessed:

• A partner who listens without immediately problem-solving
• Friends who can sit with your difficult feelings
• A therapist who provides empathetic presence
• Support groups where feelings are validated

Practice being “felt with” yourself: When you share pain, notice if people rush to fix. You can ask for what you need: “I’m not looking for advice right now. I just need to be heard.”

When you receive empathetic presence, you can give it more easily.

The Paradox of Pain

Pain that’s witnessed and shared becomes more bearable. Pain that’s denied, minimized, or rushed past becomes intolerable.

This is the paradox Perry highlights: The more you try to make pain go away, the more it persists. The more you allow it to be felt, witnessed, and shared, the more it can dissolve naturally.

“Felt with” trusts the process of emotional healing:

• Feel the feeling fully
• Know you’re not alone in it
• Let it move through you
• Emerge on the other side, not because someone fixed it, but because you were held through it

This is the path to genuine resilience.

Key Takeaways

• Children need their feelings felt with (empathetic presence) before being dealt with (problem-solving)—most of the time, being heard heals more than being fixed
• Rushing to fix communicates that feelings are intolerable—sitting with pain says it’s survivable and you’re not alone
• Empathetic presence looks like: full attention, listening, reflecting, validating, sitting with discomfort—not immediately offering solutions
• Being witnessed in pain is profoundly healing—it builds resilience, self-compassion, and emotional intelligence
• Problem-solving has its place, but only after empathetic presence—ask yourself if you’re fixing for your child’s benefit or your own discomfort
• This applies to all relationships, not just parenting—everyone needs to be “felt with” sometimes, including you