The Importance of Validating Feelings

“When you validate your child’s feelings, you’re not agreeing with their perspective or condoning their behavior. You’re saying: ‘Your internal experience is real and makes sense.’” — Philippa Perry

What Validation Means

Validation is the simple but profound act of acknowledging someone’s emotional experience as real, understandable, and acceptable. When you validate your child’s feelings, you communicate: “I see what you’re feeling. It makes sense that you feel this way. Your feelings are valid.”

This seems straightforward, yet many parents struggle with validation. We rush to fix, minimize, or redirect feelings rather than simply acknowledging them. Perry explains why validation is one of the most important emotional gifts you can give your child—and how to do it effectively.

Validation vs. Other Responses

Validation: “You’re really disappointed we can’t go to the park. You were looking forward to it.”

Minimizing: “It’s not a big deal. We can go another day.”

Fixing: “Don’t be sad! Let’s do something even better instead!”

Dismissing: “You’re fine. Stop whining about it.”

Shaming: “You’re being ridiculous. It’s just the park.”

Distraction: “Look at this toy! Isn’t this fun? Forget about the park!”

Only validation acknowledges the feeling as legitimate. The other responses, while often well-intentioned, communicate that the child’s emotional experience is wrong, excessive, or should be suppressed.

Why Validation Matters

When children’s feelings are consistently validated, they develop:

Trust in their own experience: They learn their emotions are real and make sense, not excessive or wrong.

Emotional intelligence: They can identify, understand, and articulate their feelings because those feelings have been named and accepted.

Secure attachment: They trust that you can handle their emotional reality, even when it’s messy or intense.

Emotional regulation: Paradoxically, acknowledging feelings helps them pass. Trying to suppress them makes them stick.

Open communication: They continue sharing their inner world with you because they feel heard and understood.

Mental health: They’re less likely to develop anxiety, depression, or emotion dysregulation because their feelings aren’t treated as shameful or dangerous.

The Paradox of Validation

The more you validate a feeling, the faster it dissolves.

When children feel truly understood, the emotional charge decreases. They can move through the feeling because it’s been acknowledged.

When you try to make feelings go away through minimizing, distracting, or fixing, feelings intensify. The child escalates, trying to make you understand how big this really is.

Example:

Child: “I’m so sad my friend didn’t play with me!”

Invalidating response: “Oh, you’re fine! You have lots of other friends.” Child (escalating): “You don’t understand! You don’t care!”

Validating response: “That sounds really painful. You wanted to play with them and they chose someone else. That hurts.” Child (calming): “Yeah…” (might cry, then recovers more quickly)

Validation doesn’t prolong emotions—it allows them to be processed and released.

How to Validate Feelings

Validation is a skill that can be learned. Perry offers a framework for responding to children’s emotions with genuine validation.

The Validation Framework

1. Listen fully: Stop what you’re doing. Give your attention. Hear what they’re saying—both words and emotion beneath them.

2. Name the feeling: “It sounds like you’re feeling frustrated.” “You seem really angry right now.” “I hear sadness in your voice.”

Naming helps children develop emotional vocabulary and understand what they’re experiencing.

3. Acknowledge the feeling is real: “I can see this is really hard for you.” “That does feel bad.” “This matters to you.”

4. Normalize it: “Anyone would feel that way.” “It makes complete sense that you’re upset.” “Of course you feel disappointed.”

5. Show understanding: “If I were in your position, I’d probably feel the same way.” “I get why that would hurt.” “That sounds so frustrating.”

6. Don’t rush to fix: Sit with the feeling for a moment. Let it exist. Don’t immediately jump to solutions, silver linings, or distractions.

7. Only then, if appropriate, problem-solve: “What would help?” “Is there anything we can do about this?”

But often, validation alone is enough. The child just needed to be heard.

What Validation Is NOT

Perry clarifies common misunderstandings about validation:

Validation is NOT agreement: You can validate feelings you don’t share or perspectives you disagree with.

• “I can see you’re really angry that you can’t have more screen time. That’s frustrating for you.” (Validating feeling)
• This doesn’t mean you agree screen time limits are unfair. Just that their frustration is real.

Validation is NOT permissiveness: Acknowledging feelings doesn’t mean allowing all behaviors.

• “You’re so mad you want to hit your brother. That makes sense. Hitting isn’t okay. What else could you do with that mad feeling?”

Validation is NOT emotional fusion: You can validate without taking on their emotions or being overwhelmed.

• “I see how disappointed you are. That’s hard.” (From a grounded, separate place—not becoming distraught yourself)

Validation is NOT problem-solving: Often, children don’t want solutions. They want to be heard.

• Child: “My friend was mean to me.”
• Validating: “That sounds painful. Tell me what happened.”
• Not validating: “Here’s what you should do next time…”

Common Invalidating Responses

Even loving, well-intentioned parents regularly invalidate feelings without realizing it. These patterns are often inherited from our own childhoods.

Patterns That Invalidate

Minimizing: “It’s not that bad.” “Worse things could happen.” “You’ll get over it.”

Why it hurts: It tells children their feelings are excessive or wrong.

Comparative suffering: “Some kids don’t have any toys at all.” “You should be grateful for what you have.”

Why it hurts: It shames them for having feelings when others have it worse, preventing genuine emotional processing.

Toxic positivity: “Look on the bright side!” “At least…” “Everything happens for a reason.”

Why it hurts: It denies real pain and forces fake cheerfulness.

Logic-ing away feelings: “There’s no reason to be scared of the dark. Nothing’s there.” “You shouldn’t be mad. It was an accident.”

Why it hurts: Feelings aren’t logical. Telling children they shouldn’t feel something doesn’t help—it just makes them distrust their emotions.

Interrogation: “Why are you crying? What happened? Tell me right now.”

Why it hurts: When overwhelmed, children often can’t articulate why. Demanding explanation adds pressure when they need support.

Making it about you: “You’re breaking my heart.” “Don’t cry, it upsets me.”

Why it hurts: The child now has to manage your emotions along with their own.

Validating Difficult Feelings

It’s easy to validate feelings you relate to or approve of. The challenge is validating feelings that are uncomfortable, inconvenient, or seem “wrong.”

Validate feelings you don’t share: Your child is terrified of something you find harmless (the dark, dogs, trying new foods). Validate the fear, even if it seems irrational.

• “You’re really scared. That feeling is real for you.”

Validate “negative” emotions: Anger, jealousy, resentment, hatred—all feelings are valid, even socially unacceptable ones.

• “You’re so jealous of your new baby sister. You wish she wasn’t here. Those feelings are okay.”
• (Then, separately: “We still treat her kindly. But your feelings are yours to have.”)

Validate feelings that contradict your narrative: Your child is miserable at the expensive camp you thought they’d love. Validate rather than defending your choice.

• “You really hate camp. You wish you could come home.”
• (Then assess: do they need to stick it out, or was this genuinely a bad fit?)

Example: Validating “Inconvenient” Feelings

Situation: You’re running late. Your toddler melts down because they want to wear a specific shirt that’s dirty.

Invalidating response: “We don’t have time for this! It’s just a shirt! Wear this one and stop crying!”

Validating response:

• Kneel down, make eye contact
• “You really wanted the dinosaur shirt. You’re so upset it’s dirty.”
• Brief pause, let them cry a moment
• “I know. That’s disappointing.”
• Then boundaries with empathy: “We need to wear a clean shirt today. Would you like to choose this one or this one?”
• Might still cry, and that’s okay. “I know you’re sad about it. That’s okay. We can wash the dinosaur shirt for tomorrow.”

Validation doesn’t make you late. It takes 30 seconds and often helps children move through feelings faster than fighting them.

Teaching Children to Validate Others

When you consistently validate your child’s feelings, they learn empathy—the ability to recognize and care about others’ emotions.

Model it explicitly: “Your friend looks sad. I wonder if they’re feeling left out.” “Dad seems frustrated. He’s had a hard day at work.”

Guide them in validating siblings: “Your brother is crying because his tower fell. Can you tell him you understand he’s sad?”

Notice when they validate others: “I saw you comfort your friend when they fell. That was kind. You helped them feel better.”

Over time, they internalize: feelings matter, including other people’s. This is the foundation of emotional intelligence and compassion.

When Validation Feels Fake

Some parents struggle with validation because it feels forced or dishonest, especially when they don’t relate to the feeling.

Perry’s advice: You don’t have to feel what they feel. You just have to recognize that they feel it.

You can genuinely say:

• “I can see this is really upsetting to you” (even if you don’t understand why)
• “You’re having a hard time with this” (even if it seems easy to you)
• “This matters to you a lot” (even if it doesn’t matter to you)

You’re validating their experience, not claiming you share it.

Over time, validation becomes natural. The more you practice, the more genuine it feels.

Reflection

Think about a recent time your child expressed a difficult feeling. Did you validate it or try to fix, minimize, or dismiss it? What stopped you from validating? What would full validation have sounded like?

Validating Your Own Feelings

You can’t give what you don’t have. If you weren’t validated as a child, validating your own adult feelings helps you extend validation to your child.

Practice self-validation:

• Notice your own feelings without judgment: “I’m feeling really anxious right now.”
• Acknowledge they make sense: “Of course I’m anxious—I have a lot on my plate.”
• Don’t minimize or dismiss: “This is hard, and it’s okay that I’m struggling.”

Seek validation from others: Talk to friends, partners, or therapists who can validate your experience. Being emotionally seen helps you emotionally see your child.

The Long-Term Impact

Children who grow up feeling validated develop:

• Emotional literacy: The ability to identify and articulate feelings
• Self-trust: Confidence in their own perceptions and experiences
• Healthy relationships: They seek partners and friends who validate them, not dismiss them
• Mental health resilience: They process emotions rather than suppressing them
• Empathy: They validate others’ feelings because theirs were validated

Adults who weren’t validated often struggle with:

• Doubting their own feelings (“Am I overreacting?”)
• Difficulty identifying emotions
• Suppressing feelings until they explode
• Seeking validation in unhealthy ways
• Invalidating others the way they were invalidated

Validation is a gift that compounds across a lifetime.

Key Takeaways

• Validation acknowledges feelings as real and understandable, not excessive or wrong—it’s different from agreement or permissiveness
• Validated feelings dissolve faster than suppressed ones—paradoxically, acknowledging emotions helps them pass
• Use the validation framework: listen, name the feeling, acknowledge it’s real, normalize it, show understanding—then problem-solve only if needed
• Avoid minimizing, comparing, toxic positivity, or logic-ing away feelings—these invalidating responses damage trust and emotional development
• Validate difficult or “inconvenient” feelings too—anger, fear, jealousy, disappointment all deserve acknowledgment
• Children who are validated develop emotional intelligence, self-trust, and empathy—validation is foundational to mental health