Good Parent/Bad Parent

“When we judge parents as either good or bad, we miss the complexity of real human experience—and we set ourselves up for shame.” — Philippa Perry

The Trap of Binary Thinking

We live in a culture obsessed with categorizing parents: attachment parents vs. traditional parents, strict vs. permissive, helicopter vs. free-range. Social media amplifies this judgment—perfect Instagram moments alongside viral videos of “bad” parenting. The message is clear: you’re either a good parent or a bad one.

This chapter challenges the entire framework. Perry argues that the “good parent/bad parent” binary is not only unhelpful—it’s actively harmful. It creates shame, prevents learning, and keeps parents stuck in patterns that don’t work.

Real parenting is messy, contradictory, and constantly evolving. The goal isn’t achieving “good parent” status—it’s staying curious, compassionate, and willing to keep learning.

Why the Binary Is Harmful

The “good parent” trap:

When you identify as a “good parent,” any mistake becomes a threat to your identity. You can’t acknowledge struggles without feeling like a fraud. You become defensive rather than open to feedback. Your worth becomes tied to parenting performance rather than your humanity.

The “bad parent” shame:

When you mess up repeatedly, you might internalize “I’m a bad parent.” This identity becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Why try to change if you’re fundamentally flawed? Shame doesn’t motivate growth—it paralyzes.

The comparison cycle:

Judging other parents as “good” or “bad” creates the same judgment toward yourself. The parents you criticize represent your own fears (“I would never let my child…”). The parents you idealize create impossible standards (“I should be more like…”).

The binary prevents nuance, compassion, and real growth.

The Complexity of Real Parenting

Perry invites us to see parenting not as a test to pass but as a relationship to navigate. You’re not good or bad—you’re a human being with strengths, struggles, history, and limitations, trying to raise another complex human being.

Real parents:

• Love their children AND get frustrated with them
• Make thoughtful choices AND react impulsively sometimes
• Want to do better AND repeat old patterns
• Feel confident in some areas AND completely lost in others
• Have good days AND terrible days

None of this makes you good or bad. It makes you human.

The Judgment We Learned

Most people’s tendency toward judgment came from childhood. If love and approval were conditional—based on behavior, achievement, or compliance—you learned to judge yourself and others in the same way.

Common origins of parental judgment:

• Being judged harshly as a child (internalizing the judge)
• Experiencing shame for mistakes (believing worth is tied to performance)
• Having rigid family rules about “right” and “wrong” parenting
• Growing up in environments where perfection was expected
• Never seeing adults acknowledge mistakes or struggles

Breaking free from the binary means recognizing its origins and choosing differently.

Moving Beyond Judgment

Perry offers a different framework: instead of judging yourself as good or bad, observe your parenting with curiosity.

Judgment asks: “Am I a good parent or a bad parent?”

Curiosity asks:

• “What happened in that moment?”
• “What was I feeling? What was my child feeling?”
• “What need was driving my behavior?”
• “What would I like to do differently next time?”
• “What can I learn from this?”

Curiosity creates space for learning. Judgment creates shame and defensiveness.

Practice: From Judgment to Curiosity

Next time you mess up, try this:

1. Notice the judgment: “There’s the voice saying I’m a bad parent.”

2. Acknowledge it: “I’m feeling shame right now because I yelled.”

3. Choose curiosity: “What was happening? I was overwhelmed by dishes, work stress, and then my child’s whining tipped me over. My nervous system went into fight mode.”

4. Compassion: “I’m struggling. This is hard. I’m human.”

5. Learning: “Next time I feel overwhelmed, I can say ‘I need a minute’ before I react. I can repair the rupture with my child.”

No judgment. Just observation, understanding, and growth.

The Dangers of Perfectionism

The “good parent” standard is often rooted in perfectionism—the belief that if you just try hard enough, read enough books, and control enough variables, you can get it “right.” But parenting isn’t a test with correct answers. It’s an unpredictable, constantly changing relationship.

Perry warns against perfectionism’s costs:

• Burnout: Trying to be perfect is exhausting and unsustainable
• Rigidity: You can’t adapt when your child’s needs change or strategies don’t work
• Anxiety: Constant self-monitoring creates stress for you and your family
• Modeling unrealistic expectations: Your child learns their worth depends on perfection
• Missing joy: You’re so focused on “doing it right” that you miss the connection

Perfectionism promises control but delivers anxiety.

Example: The Perfect Parent Illusion

The perfectionist approach: You’ve read all the books. Your child has a carefully planned routine, organic meals, screen-time limits, and educational activities. But when your toddler has a meltdown in public, you panic. This wasn’t in the plan. Everyone is watching. Are you a bad parent now?

The curious approach: You do your best with routines and healthy choices, but you expect messiness. When your toddler melts down, you think: “They’re overwhelmed. This is normal development. What do they need right now?” You stay calm, comfort them, and move on. No identity crisis required.

The difference isn’t the child’s behavior—it’s your relationship with uncertainty and imperfection.

Accepting “Good Enough”

British pediatrician and psychoanalyst D.W. Winnicott introduced the concept of the “good enough mother”—a parent who meets the child’s needs adequately but imperfectly. This isn’t about lowering standards; it’s about recognizing that children need real, flawed humans, not perfect caregivers.

Perry builds on this: Good enough parenting is actually better than perfect parenting.

When you’re “good enough,” you:

• Make mistakes your child can learn from
• Model repair and resilience
• Allow age-appropriate frustration that builds coping skills
• Stay human and relatable
• Create realistic expectations for relationships

Children don’t need perfection. They need presence, repair, and genuine connection with a real human being.

Letting Go of Others’ Judgment

Just as you judge yourself, you probably fear others’ judgment of your parenting. The mom at the park who seems to have it together. The in-laws with opinions about screen time. The social media feeds showing flawless families.

Perry’s advice: What others think of your parenting is none of your business.

You cannot control others’ opinions. You can only decide whose feedback actually matters and whether criticism is valid and helpful. Most judgment from others is projection—it reveals their anxieties, not truth about your parenting.

Reflection

When do you most harshly judge your parenting? What fears or vulnerabilities does that judgment protect? What would it feel like to replace judgment with curiosity and self-compassion in those moments?

Embracing the Messy Middle

Perry invites us into what she calls “the messy middle”—the space between good and bad where real parenting happens. This is where you:

• Try things that don’t work
• Apologize and repair frequently
• Feel confident and uncertain in the same day
• Love deeply and feel frustrated often
• Learn from mistakes without shame
• Celebrate growth without demanding perfection

The messy middle is uncomfortable because it requires tolerating ambiguity. But it’s also liberating—you no longer have to maintain a perfect image or hide your struggles. You can just be human.

The Freedom of Letting Go

When you release the good/bad binary, parenting becomes lighter. Mistakes stop being catastrophes—they’re just information. Other parents’ choices stop feeling threatening—they’re just different. Your worth stops depending on performance—it’s inherent.

You can ask for help without shame. You can admit when something isn’t working. You can change your approach without feeling like a failure. You can be honest about struggles without believing you’re a bad parent.

This freedom transforms not just how you parent but how you live. And your children? They learn that being human—imperfect, growing, stumbling, recovering—is not just acceptable, but beautiful.

Key Takeaways

• The “good parent/bad parent” binary creates shame and prevents learning—real parenting is complex and messy, not binary
• Judgment keeps you stuck; curiosity helps you grow—replace “Am I good or bad?” with “What can I learn?”
• Perfectionism promises control but delivers anxiety and burnout—it’s unsustainable and models unhealthy expectations
• “Good enough” parenting is healthier than perfect parenting—children need real, flawed humans who can repair mistakes
• What others think of your parenting is their business, not yours—focus on your values and your child’s needs
• The messy middle—where you’re neither perfect nor failing—is where real growth happens, and it’s enough