âYou cannot give your child what you never received unless you first grieve what you missed and find ways to give it to yourself.â â Philippa Perry
Becoming a parent often stirs up feelings about our own childhoodâboth what we received and what we missed. Unresolved childhood wounds donât simply disappear when we become adults. They remain active in our emotional lives, shaping how we respond to our children, often in unconscious ways.
This chapter explores how to heal old wounds so they donât interfere with the parent you want to be. Perry emphasizes that this isnât about dwelling on the past or blaming your parentsâitâs about understanding and processing your experiences so you can parent from a place of wholeness rather than deprivation.
When your childâs needs trigger your own unmet childhood needs, parenting becomes painful. A babyâs crying might activate memories of being ignored. A toddlerâs need for attention might feel overwhelming if you never received adequate attention yourself. A teenagerâs independence might trigger abandonment fears.
Common ways unhealed wounds affect parenting:
The work of ârepairing the pastâ means acknowledging what you needed but didnât get, grieving that loss, and finding adult ways to meet those needs now.
Many people minimize their childhood difficulties, especially if they werenât overtly abused or neglected. âI had it better than most peopleâ or âMy parents did their bestâ become ways to avoid painful feelings. While these statements might be true, they can also prevent necessary healing.
Perry encourages honesty about your childhood experience, separate from judgment about your parents. You can acknowledge what you missed while understanding your parents did their best with their own limitations and circumstances.
Emotional attunement: Being truly seen, understood, and responded to emotionally Validation: Having your feelings acknowledged rather than dismissed Safety: Physical and emotional predictability and protection Autonomy: Age-appropriate independence and respect for your developing identity Unconditional acceptance: Being loved for who you are, not just what you achieve Repair: Apologies when adults made mistakes or caused harm Play and joy: Lightness, fun, and freedom from adult responsibilities
Which of these resonate with you? What did you long for as a child that you didnât receive?
Acknowledging what you missed often brings griefâsadness for the child you were, anger at what should have been different, perhaps guilt for âcomplainingâ about your upbringing. All these feelings are valid and necessary.
Perry normalizes this grief process. Youâre not betraying your parents by feeling sad about what they couldnât provide. Youâre honoring your own experience and creating space for healing.
Healthy grieving involves:
Write a letter to yourself as a child, acknowledging what you experienced and what you needed. You might write:
âDear 8-year-old me, I see how hard you tried to be good enough to earn love. Iâm sorry you felt like you had to perform to matter. You deserved to be loved just for being you. You didnât need to be perfectâyou just needed to be seen.â
This exercise helps you develop compassion for your younger self and separate your experience from your identity. You were a child who needed things you didnât getâthatâs about your circumstances, not your worth.
Once youâve acknowledged what you missed, the next step is finding adult ways to meet those needs now. This doesnât erase the past, but it prevents childhood deprivation from controlling your present.
If you missed emotional validation: Practice acknowledging your own feelings without judgment. âIâm feeling sad right now, and thatâs okay.â
If you lacked safety: Create physical and emotional safety in your adult life. Establish boundaries, limit exposure to chaotic environments, develop routines that feel grounding.
If you needed more autonomy: Give yourself permission to make choices without excessive guilt or seeking approval from others.
If you lacked unconditional acceptance: Work on self-acceptance. Notice self-critical thoughts and practice self-compassion.
If you needed repair: You canât change the past, but you can acknowledge to yourself what should have happened. âI deserved an apology for that.â
Background: Your emotions were dismissed in childhood. When you cried, you were told âStop being dramaticâ or âYouâre too sensitive.â
Adult impact: You struggle to validate your childâs big emotions because your own were never validated. Their crying feels intolerable.
Reparenting practice:
Healing your childhood wounds doesnât require confronting your parents or demanding apologies (though that may be appropriate in some situations). It does require separating their limitations from your worth.
Perry suggests viewing your parents with adult understanding: they were shaped by their own childhoods, cultural contexts, and circumstances. This doesnât excuse harmful behavior, but it can reduce the emotional charge around it.
You can simultaneously:
You donât need to reconcile these contradictionsâhuman relationships hold complexity.
Some childhood wounds require professional support to heal. If you experienced significant trauma, abuse, or neglect, self-help alone may not be sufficient.
Consider therapy if:
Working with a therapist trained in attachment or trauma can provide the safe space and guidance needed for deeper healing.
What unmet need from your childhood shows up most strongly in your parenting? How does it affect your interactions with your child? What would it look like to meet that need for yourself now?
Repairing your own past is a gift you give yourself, your child, and future generations. When you heal your wounds, you stop unconsciously passing them on. Your childâs needs become about them, not about your unmet needs. You parent from fullness rather than emptiness.
This work isnât easy, and itâs never fully finished. Youâll continue discovering new layers as your children grow. But each step toward healing creates more freedomâto respond thoughtfully, to be emotionally present, to break the chains of generational pain.